Sexual addiction has a strange way of distorting time in the lives that it grips. It is striking to see how an addict can be covered in shame the minute after he/she acts out but nearly forget the event happened a day later. A man can struggle with pornography addiction for nearly two decades and then feel “cured” after two weeks of sobriety. An addiction recovery group will often ask its members to participate in 90 days of accountability with a sponsor. Again, this can feel like an eternity to the addict when he or she first begins. And yet it is a fraction of the life of his or her addiction. Sexual addicts have a strange relationship with time.

Time is something that every recovering addict desires. It is what they need to feel safe, to feel “better.” The security that comes from thirty days of sobriety. How about sixty? A year feels like the addiction is but a spec in the rear view mirror of life. And yet in a moment, acting out can occur. The website is visited, the prostitute is called, the car pulls out of the driveway at one in the morning and in a moment, months or years of recovery are gone. Despair sets in and recovery is questioned. Will I ever be rid of this? How will I know when I am rid of this?

Sexual addiction runs deeper than a behavioral condition. More than a brokenness of sexuality, it is a brokenness of intimacy. Intimacy is how we connect with others on an emotional level. Intimacy is the emotional nuances of relationship. It is about allowing ourselves to be known and cared for by others. Intimate knowledge is more than favorite things or hobbies. It is about the stories of our lives, our pain, our frustrations. It is about what makes us joyful and excited. It is about fear and worry. Healthy intimacy invites others to be in those places with us. It is friendship and loving relationships. For the sexual addict, intimacy does not happen in his or her life. Intimacy feels foreign and uncomfortable. In fact, it has for most of life.

The typical addict is unaware that intimacy feels so uncomfortable. The addiction has become so vital to keeping his/her emotional life in balance. Instead of taking their pain, fears, joy, concerns to others in relationship, addicts use their addictive cycle like novocaine. Instead of experiencing their feelings and entering into them, the emotional world gets short circuited by the addiction. At the end of a binge of acting out, the pain, fear, worry or any other emotion is long forgotten. It is replaced by shame, despair or numbness. In fact, the emotional world of the addict becomes so structured around the addiction, that a vault for storing emotions begins to form. In this way, a scenario that would normally bring about fear for a person, does not produce emotion for an addict. It is as if the emotion did not happen. These events begin to build up and are “stored away” in the vault. Then, when the pressure grows too great, the vault is emptied. The addict dumps the emotions into his/her cycle and they are quickly forgotten.

Intimacy and waiting are closely intertwined. In order for an addict to recovery, and just obtain sobriety, he/she much learn to wait. In the recovery groups that I lead, intimacy is at the center of most of our group sessions. As the members begin to obtain longer and longer sobriety, the vault begins to fill and the emotions start to pile up. Suddenly, they find themselves looking for a place to unload. That is where intimacy can take place. Instead of the false intimacy constructed on the internet, in fantasies or with a sexual partner, an addict can find intimacy apart from sexuality. Addict after addict comes to mind for me as they begin to walk toward a life without addiction. Invariably, all of them will ask me the same question. If my addiction is where I used to take my emotions, then what do I do without my addiction? Invariably, I give them the same answer- wait.

When we wait, we are choosing to believe in relationship. We are choosing to believe that there are people who will care for us and that our needs do matter to those around us. When we choose to wait, the question changes from what is intimacy to where do I find intimacy? A desire begins to burn. A desire to live life without the emotional graveyard of our addiction. When this desire burns hot enough, we will even be willing to wait when there is no one around to care for us. This place is the place of recovery. The addict who is willing to wait only if he or she is positive that someone will be there to meet his/her needs, is an addict that will run back to his/her addiction at the drop of a hat.

The unwillingness to wait is not something that addicts have the market cornered on. We all struggle with our ability to wait and not run toward empty wells. When I look through scripture, I see this theme everywhere. It is not just sprinkled into the text, it is painted across the story with a broad brush. I think of Moses going up on the mountain to meet with God. By the time he returns, an idol has been cast. The Israelites sitting at the base of a mountain that will hold the presence of God are unwilling to wait. They cast an idol to meet their needs. Countless times throughout the Old Testament, God’s people turn to idols. In its simplest terms, an idol is something we use to replace God. For the addict, sexual addiction is his/her idol. The addict is unwilling to wait on God or others for anything. He/she turns to addiction out of despair- knowing no other way of life. Others have found more “acceptable” substitutions for God like obsessing about their children, spouses, grades, likeableness or appearance. Unfortunately, prettier idols are nonetheless deadly idols. And all idols are about an unwillingness to wait on God. God frees us from our bondage but asks us to wait on Him. We wander. No place is this seen more strikingly than in the cross of Christ. We are all waiting. The entire world is waiting for the work to be completed. Christ died on the cross and rose again. He promises to return. He asks us for something during the time in between. Wait.

Waiting is easier said than done. Waiting during this time means pain and suffering. It means unmet desires and relationships that come far short of perfect. Waiting means discomfort. Waiting is scary. The addict, or rather the entire world struggles to wait. Recovery for the addict means to learn to wait daily. The addict begins to learn it in a group. Instead of acting out, bring the problems to a recovery group. The addict learns to wait through accountability. Instead of acting out, pick up the p hone. Ultimately though, the addict must learn the same thing God has been trying to teach the world since the beginning of time. That “thing” is a daily commitment to wait. It is a choice to wait even if it means pain and sorrow. It is a commitment to bring our needs to God and to others. It is to ask for help and pursue intimacy, even when we do not have a clue what that means.

It is almost humorous how difficult it is to wait. I constantly tell the addicts that I work with that they must learn to wait. They must learn to do intimacy and give relationship a chance. Then, I catch myself at a restaurant with an empty glass of water. I am thirsty and I am ticked because the waiter has not filled my glass yet. How dare he leave me here thirsty. I do not want to wait for even a minute to have my drink refilled at a restaurant. And yet, I leave there and go to my group where I tell the people in my group how important waiting is. Fortunately, there are reminders everywhere. The empty glass of water, the light that will not turn green, the teller who counts money too slow or the addict who looks at pornography instead of calling a friend. Waiting is hard.